• Mindful Mortal

The beginning

Updated: Jul 30, 2020

June 30, 2020

I'm new here so I want to share a bit of background on me.  

I had my last drink on September 15, 2019.  On that afternoon, I drank a bottle of Rose to make myself feel less uncomfortable at a family gathering.  My kids, 7 & 4, were there with me.  I knew I was drunk on the drive home, thank goodness I was a passenger, and as soon as I walked into our house, I walked right to the fridge, pulled out a full bottle of white wine and popped the cork. My 7 year old daughter stood behind me quietly watching.  When I turned to see why she was standing there, it registered to me that she wasn't judging me or upset with me for being clearly drunk and going for more at 7pm. She was curious and looking at me the same way that she looks at me when I'm applying makeup before going to work or getting dressed up to go out to dinner. I could tell she was logging it in her memory to imitate it when the time was right. 

My heart sank. I felt like such a shitty mom to this beautiful girl, who would someday be a woman and god forbid, she'd act like me. That was the last bottle I've opened.  I'm so grateful and hope I can plant enough healthy seeds in her to choke out the bad ones.  She deserves that.

Lately, I've gotten blase about my sobriety.  My husband, an alcoholic as well, stopped drinking in early April of 2020 after I gave him an ultimatum of stop drinking or leave.  He's not drinking but his recovery looks very different from mine.  He doesn't talk about sobriety let alone do anything to support it.  It was like a flood light that was always on in our home

and now it's off.  It's left me questioning whether I need to be so careful about staying sober.  Maybe it's not that big of a deal.  And lately when I watch a TV show like Dead to Me with female characters I like who drink a lot, I start having thoughts like maybe I should start drinking again. Maybe that would be fun.

But a TLC sobriety meeting today brought me back to my daughter's face looking at me 284 days ago.  I am such a better mom.  I paid off my credit card debt.  I have a savings account.  My kids are happier - clearly happier - and less anxious.  My house is clean.  I'm so much less selfish.  My brother and his wife have been trapped in their 2 bedroom apartment with two young boys for this entire pandemic in the NYC area, nervous about bringing them outside to go for a scooter ride.

Lately, I have been inviting my high energy nephew over for long days or sleepovers to give him a safe house and yard to play in with my kids.  It also gives my brother and his wife a much needed break.  If I was drinking, I never would have done that.  I would have been so cranky at the thought of caring for another high needs child for a day.  But now I feel so happy doing it.  I can only thank my sobriety for the change in heart.

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